During all these last couple years of gaining weight, I had never really felt all that uncomfortable with myself. Sometimes I’d get in my own way (like my gutt or my “arm rests”) but I’d push the thought out of my mind and keep going on living.
But this week I have felt just annoyed with myself, my body. I’ve really been feeling bothered and just disgusted. A couple of times I’ve had these Moments Of Clarity where I’d think to myself “that’s it, it’s coming off” and I believed myself too. During those moments, my brain had made a decision and that was that. I’m genuinely beginning to get disgusted with myself.
I wear the same jeans every single day because they’re the only ones that fit. When I stick my hands in my pockets to get my cell phone or my credit card, I feel the overhang and DISGUST. Really. No other adjective will work here.
I started to log my food today. And already have found that the bacon, egg, cheese criosant I had this morning was baaaad. Really bad. 540 cals and it wasn’t really all that good. This is a good start and that’s all I can ask for right now. That, and DISGUST is on my side. ;)
Yesterday was my last day in the eDiets challenge and I’m so happy for that. I feel a sense of freedom coming on. I thought joining eDiets again would help me get started like it did last year but it didn’t even come close this time. All that experience taught me is that I need to look at myself for motivation.
My eating habits have continued to be horrific. And my sedentary lifestyle even worse. Hell, sometimes I have Jada do things for me so I don’t have to get my lazy self up from that spot on the couch my ass has permanently molded into looking like a reverse ass. I’m slowly turning into That Kind of Mom. The one I vowed I’d never turn into.
But anyways… the purpose of this post was to think “out loud” about the possibilities..
If I lose 2 lbs per week average beginning this week or next, then by July 24 I’d have lost 16 lbs (give or take). That’s a whole hell of a lot actually. Losing that much would put me back in my pre-Maya pants.
I seem to set my goals by my kids’ birthdays. April 21st marks the anniversary of the last 10 lbs I put on. July 24th marks the anniversary of the 20 lbs before that. I don’t know what the anniversary of the first 10 lbs should be.
Anyway, to the mattresses!
So, what I felt had started as a wonderful source of motivation for me (eDiets) has ended up feeling like an unwelcome obligation. I’m co-captaining at one of the challenges and I’m sticking with it but I find I’m thanking the gods of cobal more and more that there are only two weeks left of it.
Although it’s a great site, good people, yadda yadda yadda… after a while (4 months) of zero progress I gotta ask myself why I’m still there. It’s not their fault, or course, but there’s no good reason for me to stick with that at all while giving them money if I’m not getting any real benefit out of it.
So.. after the challenge is over I’m going to fly solo and I expect I’ll do better on my own terms.
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